Welcome Ladies and gentlemen. Thank-you for coming to the
inaugural gathering of an organization whose time is overdue.
I ask you; when you think of a fresh baked apple pie, do you
envision some pretty buxom young lass bending over a hot oven? . . . well, if
you do, shame on you- you’re a dirty
old man. In truth, you should know the great majority of those pies are made by
old women. Think of kitchens smelling of
spice and nutmeg, all swagged up with gingham and chintz, and it’s “Granny’s
kitchen” that should come to mind. Ever hear of “Beyonce apples?” Of course
not, the best pie apples are “Granny” Smith.
Even Golden Delicious comes from honoring older woman. (Uh, duh, as in
“golden years?”)
People, old woman are our national treasures. They need more than recognition. They need to
be revered. And that is why, today, we are forming the Society to Nurture Old
Women, or, S.N.O.W. “Let it snow, let it
snow, let it snow.”
We come today to form this coalition to honor and promote our
senior ladies, envisioning a world made
easier for those who have given so much.
We support laws requiring supermarkets to put products like
Metamucil and Oragel on eye level shelves.
Do you know how hard it is to bend down and read labels with presbyopic eyesight? Dammit, we need laws requiring larger print,
too !
And speaking of supermarkets, younger fops zipping around driving
carts like it’s a go-cart track should be a ticketed as a moving violation. We will lobby for that change. As well, people
with full carts in 15 or less checkout lines should be considered for
justifiable homicide. Old ladies need to be home feeding cats, not waiting in
line with 5 items.
Who today has even heard of a mangle, or even an iron? Old woman have. There was a prehistoric time
before permanent press, and it is the old woman of today that sat at those steaming
scorching machines ironing the suits, shirts, and sheets that kept things prim
and proper. So many things come from “Grannies.
“
Clothesline props and potted tomato plants; Granny’s back
yard. Anti-macassars and African violets; Granny’s parlor. Chenille spreads and
lavender drawer sachets; Granny’s bedroom.
Why, it was the women of yesterday who became the old ladies of today,
forming all our national traditions and folklore.
There should be regulation making toe guards mandatory on
Birkenstocks. Tender octogeneric toe
stubs on curbs are debilitating. And,
“Knee-high stockings” are a fashion statement irrespective of modern trends.
We will petition elevator and store music firms to limit the
play of “Happy” to twice a day and put in more “Steve and Edie” selections. It’s hard to concentrate on a decent bargain
when a drum thunders with enough bass to wear out hearing aid batteries twice
as fast as normal.
Looking at an old women’s wrinkled face should not elicit, “Oh they didn’t know from sun block back
then.” Wrong. Every one of those
wrinkles was earned and each one tells entire novels of dedication as a Mom.. And if “Granny” has had a tuck or two, keep your
mouth shut. What happens in the doctor’s office stays there. That goes as well if Granny chooses to wear
a bare shouldered top. Those “Granny” channels
are her sergeant stripes for having to wear a tormenting bra for five decades. On the other hand, if Granny chooses a life
of “titular” freedom (excuse the pun) , comments of
“belted” and “boobs” are totally
unnecessary and should never be used in the same sentence.
Now, our steering committee has brought us to the
recognition that no woman
wants to be called “old,” so we are now
forced to rethink our banner acronym as inappropriate.
We tried hard to come up with an acceptable alternate, trying
“Ladies Of a Certain Age,” until it was discovered that, in Spanish, L.O.C.A. means “crazy woman.” So, for now we will adjourn our meeting with
our SNOW changing to SLUSH (Senior Ladies Under Severe Hardships) until next we
gather under a new banner.
-2016
Jerry Wendt
