Carlotta’s
Corner
The other night “Psycho”
came on TV and I was all alone, and then I heard a scream. What should I have done? -Nervous Nellie
Dear Nervous-
I
am the worst sort of “namby-pamby.” The
cry of a screech owl at night is enough to send me doing Rosary, and I’m not
even religious. To this day, when I hear
that “Dum-Dum, Dum-Dum, Dum-Dum” sound sequence from Jaws, my Earl Grey
ices over. When I think of the Mummy
and that waste of good gauze, when people in Ethiopia are running around with
open sores, I shake with emotion. O.K.,granted, that may be more rage than
fear, but you get the point. I am a VERY sensitive individual. But, also a
proactive one
There is no reason to live
with fear. With proper precautions, we can all sleep soundly and go about our
lives without it. Why, just the other week I was up late alone and on came Psycho. You would think that this would send me
screaming “willy-nilly” through the house in terror. But no, I was prepared and
will graciously share my precautions.
I found a chain maile shower curtain on one of
those Dungeon and Dragons Goth sites.
You can’t go stabbing through one of those babies, I can assure you. You may have to reinforce your curtain bar
somewhat as these things hang pretty heavy.
Also get some “Rust-Away” from the start to overcome that problem,
unless of course your bath is decorated in earth tones, in which case you’re
O.K. Before I step into the shower I sprinkle a box of tacks in front of the
bathroom doorway. You will shower unbothered or at least have advance warning
of any entry. Here, I must
interject. All those pretentious friends
that are always telling you how fabulous their Dyson vacuum cleaner is are
blowhards. There are some things that
even a Dyson won’t suck up.
An alternate escape: I did try to get one of those emergency
escape tube slides that attaches to the window, but was informed that wouldn’t
be practical for a window 20 inches from ground.
The salesman was very nice
though, and sold me a hammer for only nine dollars.
Be sensitive to messages
from the spirits “beyond.” I learned
from Shirley MacLaine that those that have passed are constantly trying to help
us avoid adversity. So, for example, with our Psycho case, you must note
sudden repetition of certain key words such as in “Anxiety exacerbates
your arthritis,” or “We are offering big rebates” The departed are
trying to warn you of impending doom. A
Ouija board is of no help. You’ll usually get a guy partner who delights in
“assisting” the pointer to spell out “fart”
which has no relevance at all, other than greatly amusing your companion
at your expense. Trying to Ouija with
your cat is also of no use even when the pointer is rubbed with tuna juice.
Instead of interjecting at
your monthly Bunko party, “We’re all gonna die,“which can cause digestive
problems - especially when Clarice’s scones are involved in the first place,
just take additional steps to prepare. (
keeping in mind that a few of those scones stowed away in your bag will come in
handy warding off those rudely beeping at you as you wheel your grocery cart
full of precious dumpster diving items down the middle of the highway.)
While sleeping, wear an old style string mop
head (a new one is best) and a cameo broach at your neck. You will appear to any deranged killer as
Norman’s Mother, Jonathan Winter’s “Maude Frickert,” or “Judge Judy,” any one
of which would frighten away any psycho.
If you are a guy and this is an affront to your masculinity, instead rub
talcum powder on your face and get a plastic Easter lily at the craft
store. You will look as though in final
repose, and we all know no respectable killer will mess with someone else’s
work. It’s professional courtesy. So with Psycho, or any other fright
movie, one has only to be prepared to avoid distress. If all else fails I’ll
have my dear friend Freddy come over and have a glass or two of elderberry wine
with you . He makes excellent company and lives just over on Elm Street. - CarlottaI was tired of writing these drama pieces on "dark and stormy nights" or "screams in the night" so I decided to just have fun with this piece which was supposed t be based on a reaction to seeing "Psycho" late in the evening alone. I hope I engage you with a little humor in this one-jpw
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