Wednesday, February 10, 2016

A Call to Action


Welcome Ladies and gentlemen. Thank-you for coming to the inaugural gathering of an organization whose time is overdue.

I ask you; when you think of a fresh baked apple pie, do you envision some pretty buxom young lass bending over a hot oven? . . . well, if you do, shame on you- you’re a dirty old man. In truth, you should know the great majority of those pies are made by old women.  Think of kitchens smelling of spice and nutmeg, all swagged up with gingham and chintz, and it’s “Granny’s kitchen” that should come to mind. Ever hear of “Beyonce apples?”  Of course not, the best pie apples are “Granny” Smith.  Even Golden Delicious comes from honoring older woman. (Uh, duh, as in “golden years?”)

People, old woman are our national treasures.  They need more than recognition. They need to be revered. And that is why, today, we are forming the Society to Nurture Old Women, or, S.N.O.W.  “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.”

We come today to form this coalition to honor and promote our senior ladies,   envisioning a world made easier for those who have given so much.

We support laws requiring supermarkets to put products like Metamucil and Oragel on eye level shelves.  Do you know how hard it is to bend down and read labels with presbyopic eyesight?  Dammit, we need laws requiring larger print, too !

And speaking of supermarkets, younger fops zipping around driving carts like it’s a go-cart track should be a ticketed as a moving violation.  We will lobby for that change. As well, people with full carts in 15 or less checkout lines should be considered for justifiable homicide. Old ladies need to be home feeding cats, not waiting in line with 5 items.

Who today has even heard of a mangle, or even an iron?   Old woman have. There was a prehistoric time before permanent press, and it is the old woman of today that sat at those steaming scorching machines ironing the suits, shirts, and sheets that kept things prim and proper.  So many things come from “Grannies. “

 Clothesline props and potted tomato plants; Granny’s back yard. Anti-macassars and African violets; Granny’s parlor. Chenille spreads and lavender drawer sachets; Granny’s bedroom.  Why, it was the women of yesterday who became the old ladies of today, forming all our national traditions and folklore. 

There should be regulation making toe guards mandatory on Birkenstocks.  Tender octogeneric toe stubs on curbs are debilitating.  And, “Knee-high stockings” are a fashion statement irrespective of modern trends.

We will petition elevator and store music firms to limit the play of “Happy” to twice a day and put in more “Steve and Edie” selections.  It’s hard to concentrate on a decent bargain when a drum thunders with enough bass to wear out hearing aid batteries twice as fast as normal.

Looking at an old women’s wrinkled face should not elicit, “Oh they didn’t know from sun block back then.”  Wrong. Every one of those wrinkles was earned and each one tells entire novels of dedication as a Mom..  And if “Granny” has had a tuck or two, keep your mouth shut. What happens in the doctor’s office stays there.    That goes as well if Granny chooses to wear a bare shouldered top.  Those “Granny” channels are her sergeant stripes for having to wear a tormenting bra for five decades.  On the other hand, if Granny chooses a life of  “titular”  freedom (excuse the pun) , comments of “belted” and “boobs”  are totally unnecessary and should never be used in the same sentence.

Now, our steering committee has brought us to the recognition that no woman wants to be called “old,”  so we are now forced to rethink our banner acronym as inappropriate.

We tried hard to come up with an acceptable alternate, trying “Ladies Of a Certain Age,” until it was discovered that, in Spanish, L.O.C.A.  means “crazy woman.”  So, for now we will adjourn our meeting with our SNOW changing to SLUSH (Senior Ladies Under Severe Hardships) until next we gather under a new banner.
-2016 Jerry Wendt

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