Crunchy Bird

The Crunchy Bird

 

A woman enters a pet shop and asks the proprietor about a pet.  “ I want something different and exotic,” she says.

“Well,” replies the man, “ I have marmosets,  pythons,  Madagascar Cotons; just all kinds of things…”

“No, No, No,” she rejects all until she spies this large bedraggled looking  bird  sitting on a perch in a corner.

“What’s that ?” she asks , “I kinda like it.”

“Oh no,” the man says,  “That’s a crunchy bird and you wouldn’t want it; it can be dangerous.”

“That mangey old thing,”  she laughs, “Why dangerous?”

“Just watch.”  And with that he says,                      

“Crunchy Bird:  wooden chair”

The bird unfurls a looming wingspan, and rises up, flapping over to the wooden chair and opens its beak crushing down into the chair, ‘ CRUNCH’ breaking it and splintering the wood in a million pieces. Then, with no further adieu, it flies laboring back to its perch.

“Oh my gracious,” the lady exclaims in wonder, “Let me try that.”  And she turns to the bird.

“Crunchy bird; marble table.” 

The bird, immobile, just stares at her.

“Why”, she says, “ this bird is smart,too. It knows the marble table is too hard to crunch so it doesn’t try”

“ Oh no,” retorts the shop owner,  “The bird simply does not obey any commands by a woman; observe…”

And with that he implores, “Crunchy bird; marble table”

Again the big bird lumberts into the air, over to the table, and ‘CRUNCH’ the marble table is fragmented in its beak.  Again, it returns to its perch.

“I MUST have that bird,” the woman yells to the pet shop owner, “Absolutely MUST.”

“Madam, that bird is very expensive.”

She responds, “I don’t care; MUST have it at any cost.”

“All right ma’am but being that it can be dangerous as you have seen, you must tell me where and how you will keep it before I can sell it to you.”

“ Absolutely,” she starts, “ I will take this bird home and put the perch right in the middle of my living room and it will sit there as a unmistakable centerpiece. My good-for-nothing husband will return home; late and drunk as usual and will immediately observe the Crunchy Bird on the perch.”

“Evelyn,” he will yell, “What the hell is sitting in our living room?”

“Why, dear, it’s a Crunchy Bird.”

He lears.  “Crunchy bird, my ass !”

 

 

This story is my all-time favorite joke. I didn't write it, but I must have told it a hundred times. I first heard it in the early 70's so it's over  40 years old -JPW