Mirror Mirror- Thoughts during Cancer radiation/chemo

Mirror, mirror

 

Oh my God, it’s the wreck of the Hesperus !  What the hell ever are you going to do to get that presentable?   Well, the day is a simple one.  Hating to go in, undress, and lie under that intimidating machine alone, thinking about survival.   Think good life. So many things to be thankful for.   Memories. Why doesn’t it move faster?  Man up. There is nothing to fear.   God, can a bad back hurt any more?  Having friends is the most important thing in a life. You can get along without money or fame; but if you have no friends, you are without value.  Of course, there’s health.  Can’t negate that.  Why are you dwelling on this? One thing at a time.  Thinking about eating something? You need nourishment, but wait until after so you don’t get diarrhea on the slab.  Oh, the embarrassment.  Geez, how would you get home?   You should pack a towel to put on their car seat.  Let’s get moving here.  A quick sugar check, some toast, and a banana should coast you through. Feeling like the day has already played out. 

Think about this all being over. The end.  Try to keep your eye on the prize. Everybody thinks you are so contained and light hearted in your mood, telling jokes and all.  Wonder if any guess you are so scared shitless inside. There’s that “shitless” again.  All those cancer ads showing ever smiling people holding hands.  I bet they don’t have diarrhea.

Why are you complaining? Think about that emaciated scarecrow guy you saw sitting in a chemo chair and when he looked at you, you smiled, and he managed a smile back. Tore your insides up, didn’t it?  He is sooo “ managing.” Or was it a smile of recognition- That innate human quality of wanting to share common experience? I bet he has more frequent fears of dying. I hope he has friends to share feelings with. That was nice of you to wish him a good day as you left. Do you suppose he thought it contrived?

Well, a little water here; now shave off the stubble.  Why? You’re just going to be so fatigued that you’ll go right back to bed when you get home.  But, then, the sleep machine mask sits tighter without whiskers.  What are you talking about?   Just do it!  O.K., now a little brush here. Position the wisps. Hey, none fell out yet!  Maybe you’ll be a lucky one.  What the hell, you already look like a peach with a little fuzz on top.  Where did all those wrinkles come from? Must be marks from the apnea mask.  Who is that old man looking back at you? 

You know, if you keep this up, people might suspect you talking to yourself.  Oh, futz, you’re alone in your bathroom looking in the mirror. No one will ever know. Put the specs back on, go make some toast, and get this show on the road. That physicist in radiation is so cute!

-Jerry Wendt 2011 505 words